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Top Ten
People to Avoid Caving With
By: Butch Feldhaus
Originally posted in TAG - Net, February 14, 1999
Reprinted with permission form author in the March 1999 Flowstone
Friends,
I recently took a co-worker on his first caving trip. He obviously understood that I didn't introduce just anybody to the sport and asked what criteria I used when selecting my caving pals. I told him that after twenty years, experience enables me to read someone pretty well and I generally have a good feel for how they are going to work out. Later I gave the question more thought and put what I came up with down on paper. I hope this helps you decide who to cave with, and who to send to Ruby Falls.
The Top Ten people I avoid caving with:
- Anyone who shows-up in an Eddie Bauer outfit, driving a Lexis or Range Rover and has one of those hand-crank flashlights as a back-up. If you are not there when they drive up, you can usually spot them later by the plaid tassel hanging down from the garter that holds up their "over the calf" socks.
- Anyone who when asked about their caving experience responds: "Last weak I culnd't evn spill kvr, now I are un." or repeatedly asks you how to spell NSS so they can write (?) away for membership information.
- Anyone who wears those T-shirts that say: "I'm a caver. I know my ass from a hole in the ground." This is like a worker at your favorite eatery wearing a shirt that says, "I'm a restaurant worker. I know to wash my hands before returning to work from the restroom."
- Anyone who looks at my helmet and upon seeing the RESCUE SQUAD sticker remarks how glad they are that I'm on the trip, and how much they could have used me last time.
- Anyone who has to slam their caving clothes on the ground to loosen them up and remove enough dirt from the last trip so they can put them on. Coincident to this is anyone who can be identified at a distance of more than ten-feet by the body odor that has become impregnated in their poly.
- Anyone who swears by their Pretzel equipment. Coincident to this is anyone who cannot correctly spell, pronounce or identify his or her equipment. Chances are they also did not (or could not) read the safety warnings and instructions that came with it, or they found it on their last trip.
- Anyone who carries so much gear in their pack that they have installed a metal frame or extra padding to help it ride more comfortably on their back.
- Anyone who recounts their caving experiences with Bill Toad, RV, Butch Hudson or that famous woman of TAG, Marian Smith.
- Anyone who does not know the tri-bond between "rock-salt," "four-ten" and
"trespassing."
- Anyone who starts a conversation with either "My psychiatrist suggested I
try something new," or "I saw the cave rescue team pulling that injured guy out
of the pit on TV last night and thought caving might be something my family
would enjoy."
I hope this helps!
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